"Unfortunately... But hey! It led to a giant crab and new friends..." His smile slipped for a moment, the mask threatened to fall. A slight downcast to the corners of his lips, eyes downcast, head tilted slightly to the ground. Just as quickly as his expression waivered, he blinked rapidly, the smile returned, and again he became the picture of chipper and annoyance. "I don't think she's going to try to groom me, I am way too head strong for her."
He watched Jo make her way to the Weissritter, keeping his eyes from the self repairing portion of the machine. It was gross, yes, but cool. He would have loved to watch it fully repair itself but that was staring and a gentleman did not stare at a lady dressing. He raised his hand to wave, stepped back, and turned to head to the bridge. "Seriously, call if you need us. Don't be stubborn. I'll take care of them no worries there. Just make sure you come back in one piece. Take care of each other."
With that, he left Jo to her mission, stepping out of the hangar to wander the ship. He'd take care of the girls, eventually. Solitude... that was what he needed right now. His mom always told him, "You can't take care of others if you don't take care of yourself." His wanderings eventually brought him to the loo, perfect. He locked the door behind him and leaned back against it. He slid, slowly, down to the floor. His hand scrubbed through his hair and over his face, the mask falling away. No more charming smile, no more holding it together. He was better at lying than he initially thought.
He laid his head back against the cold steel of the door and closed his eyes. He rest one hand over his knee, the other stabilizing himself on the floor. A familiar weight ached in his chest. A terrible, empty, depthless burden that hung from his shoulders down his center. An all consuming void that made his stomach flutter uneasily, his throat feel swollen and sluggish, and his breathing a feel like a struggle against his own will to continue. Grief crashed down around him, surrounded him, and swallowed him whole, inexplicably strong. He had lost a friend, there was no denying it. With the way the spheres worked, there was no denying it. Adrian was gone. He had lost friends before; men and women whom he had trained with since childhood, learned to fight along side, took their first tentative steps in a mech together with. Friends he could not protect when they needed him.
But this... this was different. He barely knew Adrian. His limbs felt as if they weighed a ton, as if he would need to strain to move. Everything was darker, colorless, devoid of all that gave the world it's joy and sparkle. As if a piece of his heart had been torn away and burned in front of him, leaving a void that could never be filled again. He had never seen Adrian smile, yet he could picture it so clearly in his mind. A slight curve of the corner of his lip, a gentle narrowing of the eyes, something so subtle and loving that someone looking on would never catch it when he did give it, reserved for...who?
The weight of this grief was stronger... more than he remembered losing his mother and father. He was far too young to understand. He remembered his mom crying a lot, holding him, whispering promises he didn't recall through her tears. Einfeld did something extremely stupid that mom scolded him for, far angrier than he had ever seen her, angry enough that he remembered it. Dad... What did dad do? James' nose curled at the stringent scent of alcohol lingering on the body, mingled with two day old after shave. That was right... Out at the bars, locked in his study, barely kempt... scarcely seen.
Anything to lift the weight that threatened to drag him into this oblivion of despair. Is this what it felt like to lose someone close? Would it have been this bad had he failed to save Selene? No... it would have been so much worse, unimaginably, unbearably so. But then grief of this caliber had been unimaginable to him just hours ago.
Alone with his thoughts, they turned dark. Would Selene feel this grief if he had died? Or would she justify it to herself and ease her burden as necessity. He blindly placed his trust in those heading the newly formed Endimyon, but how could he know their hearts, their true intentions? That pale excuse of a shade had disguised himself so well as Adrian. Who was to say he could not do the same to anyone else out there? It was not safe to trust anyone. Anyone? What about Merida? No he was pretty sure she could be trusted. She had a way about her... Surely, she was safe to trust. He just had to protect her.
Guilt draped over him like a cloak. Poor Merida... This was all his fault. If he had been stronger, surely he could have kept his promise. Perhaps that was why Adrian's loss hurt so deeply. He had promised nothing would happen to him. That he would be safe; from Selene and those seeking the power that he held. He had failed. He leaned his head forward and rest his forehead on his arm, knees to his chest. How many times had he almost failed Merida? He had almost gotten her killed at least three times. He was a terrible friend...
His fingers curled into his palms. His fingernails dug half moons into the flesh. The dull pain was easy to ignore, barely registered in the grand scheme of things. He regretted they were not longer, better suited to dig into his hand until the burning drew blood. It was the least he deserved for all he had done to harm his loved ones. A slow, sickening heat bubbled in his chest, below the weight of sadness, but above the twisting pangs of guilt. How could he have ever been so stupid? He knew the dangers they had all faced. Yet, like a selfish coward had fled, kidnapped his best friend, dragged her into dangers and the wrath of his sister. Like an arrogant bastard, he promised to protect Adrian and barely lifted a finger.
He was weak! How could any knight stand beside him, let alone behind him?! He slammed his fist back into the door. Red tinted the edges of his vision. It was no wonder knights like Virtus left the order and stood against their kin! He was worthless! Not even good spare parts! A pang bolted through him, a waivering of something familiar and comforting, a tenuous thread about to snap. "I'm fine," he growled under his breath. He drew in deep breaths through clenched teeth, muttering, repeating the lie until it became true. The bond with the Twins reasserted itself, and with it... something binding them. A new thread, new bond, one foreign to him that would have made him recoil, had it not brought so much comfort. The burdens of guilt and despair shrank down, stuffed into a bottle. Anger receded like water slipping through cracks. Self loathing and hatred crammed in a box and forgotten in an attic.
The lie became real.
He was fine. He took a deep breath, swallowed hard, and unclenched his aching hands. He ignored the pain, he was fine, after all, and got to his feet. He flushed the toilet, washed his hands, and stepped out of the bathroom. Not a crack in the mask concealing the darkness beneath.
