September 10th
Outskirts of Ruina Territory
Former Ukraine, ruins of Poltava
9:13 AM
Footsteps came through the abandoned facility, a lone hand dragging along the walls as a distant room was approached. A small pit stop had been made here recently but that had been it. Slumped against a wall next to the necessary equipment sat a body, it wasn't dead but could conclusively be called inactive. She had come here just a few days ago to make it so now that its purpose had ceased being needed.
But still, it held a lot of potential the question was what to do with it.
That however hadn't been why she had come here. It was instead the device next to it, ah but lugging around the required parts would be a pain. Her gaze went to the slumped individual, who suddenly roused.
". . ." quite the contrast from the last time it addressed her, pleading for its life before collapsing as all the feelings and memories it harbored and held onto were rescinded. Removed and no longer needed. In turn, becoming her inspiration.
She gestured towards a section of the machinery, one of two identical constructions "That part."
The now assigned worker bee began its task immediately as she instead went back outside, saving herself the pain and hassle. Pain, a different kind of pain entered her memory as she thought of it. The demonic maws aiming to swallow her whole. An adversary since defeated but still- still in these silent moments she felt it especially with the reminder mere minutes ago. Twice- twice today had the horror afflicted her. Had the monster been summoned forth from her nightmares to the waking world.
She couldn't stand it, couldn't suffer it.
If she wanted to produce more than 'satisfactory' she needed to work free from those worries. If she wanted to be better she had to be better. She had begun hyperventilating, since when? No no no that wasn't permitted. All the more proof in her mind.
And then there was the solution, currently walking out of the same door lugging around a piece of machinery.
It started as nothing but a thing in a tube born by her out of memories and strands of her machine, became a puppet. Then was allowed to be a boy and now- now was nothing more than a tool.
Even if the research became useless for its intent, it had taught her something.
They could be anything by either adding, or removing.
She put her hand on its cheek as it stood there, the massive machine that loomed over them in armor of white and blue leaned down.
However- this was not without risks and she could not test on anything but herself. After all, the other puppet had very little pull on the Maiden despite all the traumatic memories embedded in it. If she reduced herself to nothing but a tool then the Sphere would abandon her, caution was warranted with a process like this. The benefits however, made this far more worth than the potential risk.
Vines stretched out from the Rein Weissritter, probing the device as it was held out by her silent assistant. Replicating technology such as this was a trifling matter for it, that she knew as she retracted her hand from the body besides her. The tentacles retracted from her knightly steed, leaving the item in the care of its holder.
"Bring it back, I may have need of it later. And then stand guard."
". . ."
Lifted up into the embrace of the machine she had used for six months now she walked through the red sphere in its chest. Passing through the flesh to stand in its cockpit. The seat and everything pivotal to piloting began to sink into the walls and floor, that was not the purpose of this place currently. Only the chair remained for the purpose of comfort and naught else. There Johanna took a seat and lay back. Immediately her seat herself began to transform and reconfigure, shooting through her chest was a solitary spike that left neither pain nor wound behind. Instead serving as a way to connect it and her, for the process to begin. The red of the chamber intensified as a green pulse came from the sphere housed within, its energies and knowledge being invoked.
A sea of red, that was the sight that greeted her. Yet that lasted but a moment as soon a world unfolded before her. In contrast to the two creations she had done this too it was no outside factor that controlled this, instead she herself remained at the wheel. Out from her folded panes, rising and standing over her as they unfurled into not necessarily 'others' but rather, aspects. Pieces that made her.
"Ah it worked." A voice that was her own called out besides her, in one of the mirrors an aspect of herself was glad.
"Of course it did." Another spoke, fiercer, more confident. Somehow, despite being the same size feeling bigger. "I did it so it had to."
Her ego she reasoned, pride and all aspects that came with it.
The first speaker rose up a bit "Yes- but-"
"No buts, I'm here to improve me." The ego spoke, squashing any other reason for presence here "So get on it, find the weakness." it ordered the full her without any doubt as to what she would do.
There was a moment of ponderance what aspect of herself was being silenced so, but that was less important. She indeed came here for one reason specifically the other parts of her could be left. The mirrors began to rotate, switching through hundreds of moments of pieces of herself in instants as two remained her constant companions, the assertive tower of herself and squirming at its side the other voice.
Until she finally found it, a mirror taller than any other wider and threatening to devour those adjacent to it.
Inside it, balled up sat herself.
"Please- no more... It can't hurt me right? Not here- not here."
How had it grown so? She wondered, as she did the silenced mirror perked up and peered with her.
"Its because you've fed it." it spoke up "You deny it but thereby you feed it more as you become scared, terrorized, by the thought that it could ever return. And it did, if not in form it did in spirit."
She paused, turning to look at the reflection. Feeling more powerful than before as she listened to it instead of the one besides it.
"In turn, the Maiden now has grown closer to you than the Goat. Just look."
Below the shadow of the monster she knew so well, its frame lit up by repeated strikes of green light and yellow fog. The reflection within that was crying its heart out had turned to face her, streams of tears etched upon her features like the ones the Weissritter had adopted to represent the sphere it held.
"I killed it!" She lamented, slamming her hand against the mirror "Why won't it vanish? Why does it stay?"
Johanna stretched her hand out instinctively, putting it on the mirror next to her reflection. Pain and sorrow began to ravage her, she could feel a chisel being taken to her cheeks as cracks for tears began to form, she herself mirroring the mirror.
"And look what its done to you." The explanatory reflection said, clearly audible even as the sounds of destruction echoed in her ears. Of cities burning, dying gods laughing in the face of her tears. "If you give it any more of what it wants, that is what you'll be. The Sorrowful Maiden."
The prideful reflection turned towards the lesser one "Then stop it prevent me from becoming that!"
"You're the one that fed it most." Came a simple retort. Johanna herself began to slump down, no longer feeling in control of the situation as the Maiden turned to her. "I must share it, this pain, this sorrow. The void within my heart carved out by anguish. Bring it back!" She suddenly yelled "I CAN BRING THE MONSTER BACK!" Her face slammed against the mirror as if trying to break free. "Resurrect Shiseiten, make it feel sorrow that's the only way I can cope with this!" A demand too terrifying to fulfill wasn't it?
"We could, its corpse remains and could be infested as the dead god did. But it would be a mass of Einst, not what it was before." came the answer.
She could, couldn't she. The thought crossed her mind, contemplation continued as the Maiden made demands of the reflection. Theorizing and stating its desires, how it wanted Shiseiten to suffer even if it was just something that wore its skin. The dark clouds and silhouette of the dread god's vessel began to spread through various mirrors. Like tendrils reaching to grasp more of her. Unless she did something she would convince herself that the sorrow needed to be revived, brought back.
"You know why you are becoming that don't you?"
The red eyed mirror had vanished, instead the most verbal one continued.
"You think you need to stop being weak to be important. To be special."
The reflection stepped out of its mirror, curled goat horns adorning its head.
"But it is your heart that already makes you special."
The prideful mirror was silenced, stammering out an attempt at response.
As pain and sorrow tormented her Johanna watched the Goat step besides her, pausing on the other side of the Maiden. The sphere? Or a reflection of her with it, she wasn't sure which it was but still it was here and free from the expected confines.
"Of course I am here, I made this possible for you. It only makes sense I greet you first. A pity you shut me up before I could explain, but then again nothing new there is there?"
It leaned down, coming face to face with her.
"Think about it Johanna dear, for a moment look inwards and focus on the right thing." It spoke calmly, "You want to surpass them all, but you already have. After all your heart."
"Is made by them-" The prideful mirror responded, in fact her entire gut was a replication of what she was. And soon even though Johanna herself remained in anguish it had a beaming smile, the realization seemed to have struck a cord.
"A trait shared by absolutely no one. You can't get more special." Then it turned towards the maiden, still holding its palm to the mirror. "This however, you can't exactly leave be now can you? Give it a bit more and you'll just be her. I wonder what would happen to me then?"
The Goat licked its lips "Ah but we're finally having this long overdue talk, so we better do something."
"There's two solutions, therapy and the one you'll pick." It informed her, therapy. Who would even see her now that she had been called for to be apprehended she was here to erase this from her, tear the weakness from her own mind "Exactly."
"Wait, no I- I don't want to die! It's waiting there for me!"
The mirror sank into the ground, her hand nearly going in with it but was then released. Immediately she began to return to her normal state. Soundless breaths came from her as she recalibrated. What had just happened? In fact why did she feel she was missing something.
"You just forcefully tore it off yourself. Its still here, but you shoved all your trauma in a box essentially. Not the healthiest solution, but I like it."
She rose to her feet, gazing her walking reflection in the eyes. It was true the fear was evaporated, it had worked and she was free. Still the void in her heart remained yet where did it come from if not the terror?
"Oh that is simple, she is to blame." The Goat gestured at the prideful mirror
"Wait what? Me?" The smile interrupted, its content daydreaming ended as the finger was pointed at it.
"Yes you, miss Best and Brightest the one who wants to become the best and is far from the brightest."
Johanna herself turned to the mirror of the loudest voice, her eyes scanning it for proof of what the sphere reinforced image was saying. Behind her the Goat smiled devilishly.
"She's the one that fed the sorrow, looking so big while thinking so small. She is why the secrets of the cosmos elude you still. After all, the only thing she wants to know is whether dad is proud of her yet."
The prideful image shrank under the scrutiny, the mirror itself becoming more compressed as she now had to lean to stand within it.
"What? You can't blame me for that! Look at how many parts of me there are one of them has to be the one responsible, probably some small memory stashed away. Besides he should be- I mean he is, he is right?" Suddenly it got fidgety, a thought from it coming towards Johanna. They couldn't return home until they had proven it, proven why she was selected for Upsilon.
Among all the monsters and heroes there, she got to stand next to the Granzon of all machines. How was she to compete? How could she compete? How was she worthy of such a rank. Had she been selected merely as representation for the European continent? Was it because her father pulled strings to get her there? And what had she done amongst their ranks... Frozen up and required saving. Overtaken by fear, fear disguised as pride.
The goat leaned on her shoulder, the skin flaking off it as more and more of the Rein Weissritter's plating unveiled itself. Of course, the true face of the Goat's representative inside her was not her... She had been the maiden, it was the Weissritter that was the true Curious Goat so far. She had done little to earn the title for herself despite her state.
"Ah you've stopped running." It spoke, its head parting in jagged teeth as it spoke. "And stopped to see the truth, good, good. Then you know that what I say is equally true, even if it hurts even if its painful. But you're a big girl, you've survived pain before so listen closely."
It was so nearby her now, like a devil speaking to her, for her. Whispering what she wanted to hear while she knew it to be fact and that was probably the worst of it, this being here with her was no representative of lies but rather truth uncaring for one's beliefs.
"Because we've come so far Johanna, and I would hate for us to part. But for you to be more- for you to see the potential within yourself. We need to cooperate. You need to embrace me, like I embrace you." Clawed hands caressed her shoulders, the prideful image still shrinking as it was under the scrutiny of the truth seer at last as the secret within herself she had ceased looking at was dissected. "She doesn't have to go, but she can't be you. You have to be more than this small creature. This creature who does have the curiosity but is too afraid to find the answers the true face of your fear is not the beast, but this."
It was right, if she wished to grasp the Goat with her own hands she needed to look beyond what was just ahead of her. Johanna placed a hand on the top of the mirror, it shook for a moment as the realization sank in of what she was about to do. Yet she was the only one that could.
"Wait- no no think of what we'll be after I restrict me, we wont be anybody! I'm driving me towards the me I want to be."
The Rein Weissritter's smile grew as it spoke, belittling the fearful part of her.
"And the you she wants to make. Is nobody worth anything in the cosmos. The you you've been building towards is beneath 'sufficient' to the Einst. In that multitude being centered on a world revolving around you... Its laughable."
Johanna compressed the mirror, making it small and insignificant. But unlike the horror of Shiseiten still present. Her own truth had been unveiled to her, presented and it was beyond the terror of one singular bad day. This was a life dedicated to something she herself could not justify, an existence existing to etch itself into eternity for vanity in a person that felt the end of eternity approaching. While it was her sorrow she had come to kill, what she had looked for ever since she had snapped minutes ago was a justification to discard herself and the hollow shell she had become and fill it with something else. And now, she had found it.
"Attagirl. Now that we can focus on the bigger picture without interruption." It began speaking before suddenly pausing "Ah, you want to know what I was on about."
The now empty mirror was brought before Johanna as the small Rein Weissritter stepped to its side. Johanna gazed into it, a simple reflection staring back with as much emptiness as she herself gave it.
"Already off to a good start, let that curiosity flow wild! But yes, the flesh that is your chest. That has since spread all over your very being. Is malleable, you can be whatever you wish." The reflection now shown in the mirror suddenly shifted, showing the Johanna within turn taller, her hair shift to a hue of white and the entire facial features change. A C-Type she recognized this image as.
"Or anyone."
Another shift, now it was Kenneth who stood opposed to her, then James. Finally resting on a brown haired face, reminiscent of her rival from school. Human, each and every one and yet the world had cast onto them more praise and love than she had gotten. Even Violet through her accident got to bypass the horror of the falling Directory. She could elect to be them? The reduced voice to the side whispered to her that perhaps that would finally be it.
"Sweetie, you've already ascended beyond humanity. All your flesh needs is a small reminder who it belongs to and then you can use this anytime."
Further crushing the spirit of the reduced pride it wheeled itself away in the columns of taller mirrors that bore witness to this moment. The reflection shifting to the completely inhuman appearance taken by the Goat's representative in this mindscape. The one besides the mirror perked its head as the reflection on the glass stopped shifting.
"In a sense it doesn't matter what you choose, because you can be all of them with just a tinge of my power and a spurring of the flesh."
The flesh yes, the ones who had given it to her sprung to her mind immediately. How little she yet knew, how much more she could know of them.
"Ah yes, the ones who brought us together. Indeed I too want to know more than that glimpse, do you think they can be influenced like they did you?" It paused, she gave a response back affirming he intention to find answers to these questions "Oh I'm beginning to like you more and more already." In those mechanized eyes madness hid, the contemptuous truth of the sphere she had turned into suicidal obsession but now, the shackles that were kept by her small thoughts and fears were removed and she could feel the thoughts of that part of her imagining attuning the Einst to the Spheres for finding them insufficient of their worries and driving them to acquire the knowledge of them themselves.
In the silent moment after that contemplation, not necessarily of betrayal but rather of stepping far beyond the intention they had for her, her name no longer suited her. God was not Gracious as her name said, God was a maniac out to kill everyone in search for his fallen shards. An excuse to finish the deed she had started by burying the parts of her that cared and cried. The ties she wished to discard to humanity had been fully eviscerated by her own hand and as such she was christened anew. Bathed not in religious reverence but instead crafted by self destructive tendency.
In this world of memories for the first time she spoke herself, not letting any aspect of her verbalize this before she could.
"Syrinx Torah." Part of this made sense to her, the first name was that of one of Pan's lovers and if she would fulfill this role for the Sphere that was cast in its name the logic followed the surname however... She couldn't explain the why of it, but this name felt right now that she had purified herself of these distractions and pursued what she should as the Reactor of the Curious Goat. Teachings, was its meaning.
"You're going to make me blush." The miniaturized representation spoke, beyond that theory its thoughts were near unreadable but a feeling of pride flowed from it. Like a caged beast that had finally been let loose and taken the chance to bask in the glory of its own existence as the name had been spoken all other mirrors had vanished leaving just the two of them and the lone mirror which the Goat stepped out of. Once again it shimmered and shifted. She had decided on something.
One might at a distance mistake the reflection for the one who stood before it, as it was in fact a reflection of her and what she wanted to be. In a sense it was an idealized form of the self. Ironic that she should attain it by discarding the part that sought it.
"Now, we've got things to do. Anchorage is where you will find what you search." The reflection spoke, beginning to vanish as this internal debate came to a close. "I look forward to watching you blossom into the true you." The journey, the descent had far from concluded. Oh she had begun killing the past that much was true, but the process was far from finished. It was a question how an ego forged in truth would stand up to the inevitable confrontations before it. By others she didn't know and those she knew.
Could she resist being Johanna again should James ask her to for example?
Curious indeed.
Once again she was in the cockpit, changed not how she had expected but in her opinion certainly for the better. One could certainly ask how objective that opinion was given what had occurred within that space. A transition which for her had felt like hours of effort took in reality but a few minutes at most as she watched the silent follower return in time to not stand watch. Her short blonde hair had elongated slightly, left to wave behind her as it now reached beyond her neck. The Endymion pilot suit she had worn in the previous altercation properly replaced with a primarily black one with a white torso and red accents. Displaying neither faction insignias or ranks which the other had so proudly portrayed.
She rose from her seat, having left behind the two factors which drove her to use it without any fear of becoming what she currently laid her eyes on.
"Good news." She spoke her first words as a woman reborn as she exited the Rein Weissritter through its red membrane, "I know exactly what you'll be used for now."
Outskirts of Ruina Territory
Former Ukraine, ruins of Poltava
9:13 AM
Footsteps came through the abandoned facility, a lone hand dragging along the walls as a distant room was approached. A small pit stop had been made here recently but that had been it. Slumped against a wall next to the necessary equipment sat a body, it wasn't dead but could conclusively be called inactive. She had come here just a few days ago to make it so now that its purpose had ceased being needed.
But still, it held a lot of potential the question was what to do with it.
That however hadn't been why she had come here. It was instead the device next to it, ah but lugging around the required parts would be a pain. Her gaze went to the slumped individual, who suddenly roused.
". . ." quite the contrast from the last time it addressed her, pleading for its life before collapsing as all the feelings and memories it harbored and held onto were rescinded. Removed and no longer needed. In turn, becoming her inspiration.
She gestured towards a section of the machinery, one of two identical constructions "That part."
The now assigned worker bee began its task immediately as she instead went back outside, saving herself the pain and hassle. Pain, a different kind of pain entered her memory as she thought of it. The demonic maws aiming to swallow her whole. An adversary since defeated but still- still in these silent moments she felt it especially with the reminder mere minutes ago. Twice- twice today had the horror afflicted her. Had the monster been summoned forth from her nightmares to the waking world.
She couldn't stand it, couldn't suffer it.
If she wanted to produce more than 'satisfactory' she needed to work free from those worries. If she wanted to be better she had to be better. She had begun hyperventilating, since when? No no no that wasn't permitted. All the more proof in her mind.
And then there was the solution, currently walking out of the same door lugging around a piece of machinery.
It started as nothing but a thing in a tube born by her out of memories and strands of her machine, became a puppet. Then was allowed to be a boy and now- now was nothing more than a tool.
Even if the research became useless for its intent, it had taught her something.
They could be anything by either adding, or removing.
She put her hand on its cheek as it stood there, the massive machine that loomed over them in armor of white and blue leaned down.
However- this was not without risks and she could not test on anything but herself. After all, the other puppet had very little pull on the Maiden despite all the traumatic memories embedded in it. If she reduced herself to nothing but a tool then the Sphere would abandon her, caution was warranted with a process like this. The benefits however, made this far more worth than the potential risk.
Vines stretched out from the Rein Weissritter, probing the device as it was held out by her silent assistant. Replicating technology such as this was a trifling matter for it, that she knew as she retracted her hand from the body besides her. The tentacles retracted from her knightly steed, leaving the item in the care of its holder.
"Bring it back, I may have need of it later. And then stand guard."
". . ."
Lifted up into the embrace of the machine she had used for six months now she walked through the red sphere in its chest. Passing through the flesh to stand in its cockpit. The seat and everything pivotal to piloting began to sink into the walls and floor, that was not the purpose of this place currently. Only the chair remained for the purpose of comfort and naught else. There Johanna took a seat and lay back. Immediately her seat herself began to transform and reconfigure, shooting through her chest was a solitary spike that left neither pain nor wound behind. Instead serving as a way to connect it and her, for the process to begin. The red of the chamber intensified as a green pulse came from the sphere housed within, its energies and knowledge being invoked.
A sea of red, that was the sight that greeted her. Yet that lasted but a moment as soon a world unfolded before her. In contrast to the two creations she had done this too it was no outside factor that controlled this, instead she herself remained at the wheel. Out from her folded panes, rising and standing over her as they unfurled into not necessarily 'others' but rather, aspects. Pieces that made her.
"Ah it worked." A voice that was her own called out besides her, in one of the mirrors an aspect of herself was glad.
"Of course it did." Another spoke, fiercer, more confident. Somehow, despite being the same size feeling bigger. "I did it so it had to."
Her ego she reasoned, pride and all aspects that came with it.
The first speaker rose up a bit "Yes- but-"
"No buts, I'm here to improve me." The ego spoke, squashing any other reason for presence here "So get on it, find the weakness." it ordered the full her without any doubt as to what she would do.
There was a moment of ponderance what aspect of herself was being silenced so, but that was less important. She indeed came here for one reason specifically the other parts of her could be left. The mirrors began to rotate, switching through hundreds of moments of pieces of herself in instants as two remained her constant companions, the assertive tower of herself and squirming at its side the other voice.
Until she finally found it, a mirror taller than any other wider and threatening to devour those adjacent to it.
Inside it, balled up sat herself.
"Please- no more... It can't hurt me right? Not here- not here."
How had it grown so? She wondered, as she did the silenced mirror perked up and peered with her.
"Its because you've fed it." it spoke up "You deny it but thereby you feed it more as you become scared, terrorized, by the thought that it could ever return. And it did, if not in form it did in spirit."
She paused, turning to look at the reflection. Feeling more powerful than before as she listened to it instead of the one besides it.
"In turn, the Maiden now has grown closer to you than the Goat. Just look."
Below the shadow of the monster she knew so well, its frame lit up by repeated strikes of green light and yellow fog. The reflection within that was crying its heart out had turned to face her, streams of tears etched upon her features like the ones the Weissritter had adopted to represent the sphere it held.
"I killed it!" She lamented, slamming her hand against the mirror "Why won't it vanish? Why does it stay?"
Johanna stretched her hand out instinctively, putting it on the mirror next to her reflection. Pain and sorrow began to ravage her, she could feel a chisel being taken to her cheeks as cracks for tears began to form, she herself mirroring the mirror.
"And look what its done to you." The explanatory reflection said, clearly audible even as the sounds of destruction echoed in her ears. Of cities burning, dying gods laughing in the face of her tears. "If you give it any more of what it wants, that is what you'll be. The Sorrowful Maiden."
The prideful reflection turned towards the lesser one "Then stop it prevent me from becoming that!"
"You're the one that fed it most." Came a simple retort. Johanna herself began to slump down, no longer feeling in control of the situation as the Maiden turned to her. "I must share it, this pain, this sorrow. The void within my heart carved out by anguish. Bring it back!" She suddenly yelled "I CAN BRING THE MONSTER BACK!" Her face slammed against the mirror as if trying to break free. "Resurrect Shiseiten, make it feel sorrow that's the only way I can cope with this!" A demand too terrifying to fulfill wasn't it?
"We could, its corpse remains and could be infested as the dead god did. But it would be a mass of Einst, not what it was before." came the answer.
She could, couldn't she. The thought crossed her mind, contemplation continued as the Maiden made demands of the reflection. Theorizing and stating its desires, how it wanted Shiseiten to suffer even if it was just something that wore its skin. The dark clouds and silhouette of the dread god's vessel began to spread through various mirrors. Like tendrils reaching to grasp more of her. Unless she did something she would convince herself that the sorrow needed to be revived, brought back.
"You know why you are becoming that don't you?"
The red eyed mirror had vanished, instead the most verbal one continued.
"You think you need to stop being weak to be important. To be special."
The reflection stepped out of its mirror, curled goat horns adorning its head.
"But it is your heart that already makes you special."
The prideful mirror was silenced, stammering out an attempt at response.
As pain and sorrow tormented her Johanna watched the Goat step besides her, pausing on the other side of the Maiden. The sphere? Or a reflection of her with it, she wasn't sure which it was but still it was here and free from the expected confines.
"Of course I am here, I made this possible for you. It only makes sense I greet you first. A pity you shut me up before I could explain, but then again nothing new there is there?"
It leaned down, coming face to face with her.
"Think about it Johanna dear, for a moment look inwards and focus on the right thing." It spoke calmly, "You want to surpass them all, but you already have. After all your heart."
"Is made by them-" The prideful mirror responded, in fact her entire gut was a replication of what she was. And soon even though Johanna herself remained in anguish it had a beaming smile, the realization seemed to have struck a cord.
"A trait shared by absolutely no one. You can't get more special." Then it turned towards the maiden, still holding its palm to the mirror. "This however, you can't exactly leave be now can you? Give it a bit more and you'll just be her. I wonder what would happen to me then?"
The Goat licked its lips "Ah but we're finally having this long overdue talk, so we better do something."
"There's two solutions, therapy and the one you'll pick." It informed her, therapy. Who would even see her now that she had been called for to be apprehended she was here to erase this from her, tear the weakness from her own mind "Exactly."
"Wait, no I- I don't want to die! It's waiting there for me!"
The mirror sank into the ground, her hand nearly going in with it but was then released. Immediately she began to return to her normal state. Soundless breaths came from her as she recalibrated. What had just happened? In fact why did she feel she was missing something.
"You just forcefully tore it off yourself. Its still here, but you shoved all your trauma in a box essentially. Not the healthiest solution, but I like it."
She rose to her feet, gazing her walking reflection in the eyes. It was true the fear was evaporated, it had worked and she was free. Still the void in her heart remained yet where did it come from if not the terror?
"Oh that is simple, she is to blame." The Goat gestured at the prideful mirror
"Wait what? Me?" The smile interrupted, its content daydreaming ended as the finger was pointed at it.
"Yes you, miss Best and Brightest the one who wants to become the best and is far from the brightest."
Johanna herself turned to the mirror of the loudest voice, her eyes scanning it for proof of what the sphere reinforced image was saying. Behind her the Goat smiled devilishly.
"She's the one that fed the sorrow, looking so big while thinking so small. She is why the secrets of the cosmos elude you still. After all, the only thing she wants to know is whether dad is proud of her yet."
The prideful image shrank under the scrutiny, the mirror itself becoming more compressed as she now had to lean to stand within it.
"What? You can't blame me for that! Look at how many parts of me there are one of them has to be the one responsible, probably some small memory stashed away. Besides he should be- I mean he is, he is right?" Suddenly it got fidgety, a thought from it coming towards Johanna. They couldn't return home until they had proven it, proven why she was selected for Upsilon.
Among all the monsters and heroes there, she got to stand next to the Granzon of all machines. How was she to compete? How could she compete? How was she worthy of such a rank. Had she been selected merely as representation for the European continent? Was it because her father pulled strings to get her there? And what had she done amongst their ranks... Frozen up and required saving. Overtaken by fear, fear disguised as pride.
The goat leaned on her shoulder, the skin flaking off it as more and more of the Rein Weissritter's plating unveiled itself. Of course, the true face of the Goat's representative inside her was not her... She had been the maiden, it was the Weissritter that was the true Curious Goat so far. She had done little to earn the title for herself despite her state.
"Ah you've stopped running." It spoke, its head parting in jagged teeth as it spoke. "And stopped to see the truth, good, good. Then you know that what I say is equally true, even if it hurts even if its painful. But you're a big girl, you've survived pain before so listen closely."
It was so nearby her now, like a devil speaking to her, for her. Whispering what she wanted to hear while she knew it to be fact and that was probably the worst of it, this being here with her was no representative of lies but rather truth uncaring for one's beliefs.
"Because we've come so far Johanna, and I would hate for us to part. But for you to be more- for you to see the potential within yourself. We need to cooperate. You need to embrace me, like I embrace you." Clawed hands caressed her shoulders, the prideful image still shrinking as it was under the scrutiny of the truth seer at last as the secret within herself she had ceased looking at was dissected. "She doesn't have to go, but she can't be you. You have to be more than this small creature. This creature who does have the curiosity but is too afraid to find the answers the true face of your fear is not the beast, but this."
It was right, if she wished to grasp the Goat with her own hands she needed to look beyond what was just ahead of her. Johanna placed a hand on the top of the mirror, it shook for a moment as the realization sank in of what she was about to do. Yet she was the only one that could.
"Wait- no no think of what we'll be after I restrict me, we wont be anybody! I'm driving me towards the me I want to be."
The Rein Weissritter's smile grew as it spoke, belittling the fearful part of her.
"And the you she wants to make. Is nobody worth anything in the cosmos. The you you've been building towards is beneath 'sufficient' to the Einst. In that multitude being centered on a world revolving around you... Its laughable."
Johanna compressed the mirror, making it small and insignificant. But unlike the horror of Shiseiten still present. Her own truth had been unveiled to her, presented and it was beyond the terror of one singular bad day. This was a life dedicated to something she herself could not justify, an existence existing to etch itself into eternity for vanity in a person that felt the end of eternity approaching. While it was her sorrow she had come to kill, what she had looked for ever since she had snapped minutes ago was a justification to discard herself and the hollow shell she had become and fill it with something else. And now, she had found it.
"Attagirl. Now that we can focus on the bigger picture without interruption." It began speaking before suddenly pausing "Ah, you want to know what I was on about."
The now empty mirror was brought before Johanna as the small Rein Weissritter stepped to its side. Johanna gazed into it, a simple reflection staring back with as much emptiness as she herself gave it.
"Already off to a good start, let that curiosity flow wild! But yes, the flesh that is your chest. That has since spread all over your very being. Is malleable, you can be whatever you wish." The reflection now shown in the mirror suddenly shifted, showing the Johanna within turn taller, her hair shift to a hue of white and the entire facial features change. A C-Type she recognized this image as.
"Or anyone."
Another shift, now it was Kenneth who stood opposed to her, then James. Finally resting on a brown haired face, reminiscent of her rival from school. Human, each and every one and yet the world had cast onto them more praise and love than she had gotten. Even Violet through her accident got to bypass the horror of the falling Directory. She could elect to be them? The reduced voice to the side whispered to her that perhaps that would finally be it.
"Sweetie, you've already ascended beyond humanity. All your flesh needs is a small reminder who it belongs to and then you can use this anytime."
Further crushing the spirit of the reduced pride it wheeled itself away in the columns of taller mirrors that bore witness to this moment. The reflection shifting to the completely inhuman appearance taken by the Goat's representative in this mindscape. The one besides the mirror perked its head as the reflection on the glass stopped shifting.
"In a sense it doesn't matter what you choose, because you can be all of them with just a tinge of my power and a spurring of the flesh."
The flesh yes, the ones who had given it to her sprung to her mind immediately. How little she yet knew, how much more she could know of them.
"Ah yes, the ones who brought us together. Indeed I too want to know more than that glimpse, do you think they can be influenced like they did you?" It paused, she gave a response back affirming he intention to find answers to these questions "Oh I'm beginning to like you more and more already." In those mechanized eyes madness hid, the contemptuous truth of the sphere she had turned into suicidal obsession but now, the shackles that were kept by her small thoughts and fears were removed and she could feel the thoughts of that part of her imagining attuning the Einst to the Spheres for finding them insufficient of their worries and driving them to acquire the knowledge of them themselves.
In the silent moment after that contemplation, not necessarily of betrayal but rather of stepping far beyond the intention they had for her, her name no longer suited her. God was not Gracious as her name said, God was a maniac out to kill everyone in search for his fallen shards. An excuse to finish the deed she had started by burying the parts of her that cared and cried. The ties she wished to discard to humanity had been fully eviscerated by her own hand and as such she was christened anew. Bathed not in religious reverence but instead crafted by self destructive tendency.
In this world of memories for the first time she spoke herself, not letting any aspect of her verbalize this before she could.
"Syrinx Torah." Part of this made sense to her, the first name was that of one of Pan's lovers and if she would fulfill this role for the Sphere that was cast in its name the logic followed the surname however... She couldn't explain the why of it, but this name felt right now that she had purified herself of these distractions and pursued what she should as the Reactor of the Curious Goat. Teachings, was its meaning.
"You're going to make me blush." The miniaturized representation spoke, beyond that theory its thoughts were near unreadable but a feeling of pride flowed from it. Like a caged beast that had finally been let loose and taken the chance to bask in the glory of its own existence as the name had been spoken all other mirrors had vanished leaving just the two of them and the lone mirror which the Goat stepped out of. Once again it shimmered and shifted. She had decided on something.
One might at a distance mistake the reflection for the one who stood before it, as it was in fact a reflection of her and what she wanted to be. In a sense it was an idealized form of the self. Ironic that she should attain it by discarding the part that sought it.
"Now, we've got things to do. Anchorage is where you will find what you search." The reflection spoke, beginning to vanish as this internal debate came to a close. "I look forward to watching you blossom into the true you." The journey, the descent had far from concluded. Oh she had begun killing the past that much was true, but the process was far from finished. It was a question how an ego forged in truth would stand up to the inevitable confrontations before it. By others she didn't know and those she knew.
Could she resist being Johanna again should James ask her to for example?
Curious indeed.
Once again she was in the cockpit, changed not how she had expected but in her opinion certainly for the better. One could certainly ask how objective that opinion was given what had occurred within that space. A transition which for her had felt like hours of effort took in reality but a few minutes at most as she watched the silent follower return in time to not stand watch. Her short blonde hair had elongated slightly, left to wave behind her as it now reached beyond her neck. The Endymion pilot suit she had worn in the previous altercation properly replaced with a primarily black one with a white torso and red accents. Displaying neither faction insignias or ranks which the other had so proudly portrayed.
She rose from her seat, having left behind the two factors which drove her to use it without any fear of becoming what she currently laid her eyes on.
"Good news." She spoke her first words as a woman reborn as she exited the Rein Weissritter through its red membrane, "I know exactly what you'll be used for now."